Matthew 18:15-20
“If your brother or
sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they
listen to you, you have won them over.
But if they will not listen, take one or two others
along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or
three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell
it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them
as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
“Truly I tell you,
whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on
earth will be loosed in heaven.
“Again, truly I tell
you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be
done for them by my Father in heaven.
For where two or three gather in my name, there am I
with them.”
Then Peter came to
Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who
sins against me? Up to seven
times?”
Jesus answered, “I
tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
Every week on our bulletin cover we have a list of what we call
the Seven Marks of Discipleship. These
seven marks should be part of our lives as Christians. One of these Seven Marks is “To enjoy
spiritual friendships.”
It is a terrible burden to go through life alone. It is a wonderful gift to go through life
with family and friends. In the church,
we should never find ourselves alone.
When we face illness, when we grieve over the death of a spouse, or when
we struggle with turmoil in our life, we should feel the love and support of
other Christians. Likewise, when we face
the joys of life, celebrate a marriage or anniversary, or rejoice at the birth
of children, we should feel the love and support of other Christians.
We don’t just go to the Conway Hall after worship for the
wonderful cookies and lemonade – we go there to build and enjoy those spiritual
friendships.
But --- What happens when friendships wear down in
conflict? What happens when friendships
and relationships become infected with conflict?
Writer Larry Crabb once wrote that “The difference between
spiritual and unspiritual friendship is not whether conflict exists,” but in how
we handle conflict. In a spiritual
community, he says conflict is seen as an opportunity to grow spiritually. (Larry Crabb, The Safest Place on Earth (Nashville: Word
Publishing, 1999), p. 40.)
Conflicts happen. You can’t
avoid them.
They happen in churches.
They happen at work, in school, in families – where two or three are
gathered, you have the potential for conflict.
Jesus knew that there would be conflicts even among his
followers. In his Sermon on the Mount he
told the people, “Therefore, if you are
offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has
something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go
and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew
5:23-24)
Jesus watched his disciples fuss and pick at each other. Once, while walking on the road, the
disciples argued among themselves about which of them was the best
disciple. (Luke 9:46).
The truth is that friendships and relationships can be
strengthened through conflict! IF we manage them wisely and carefully. What
makes or breaks friendships and relationships is what we choose to do within
conflict.
Jesus gives us a good process for managing conflict here in
Matthew’s Gospel.
And the first thing to do is to reach out. Jesus said, “if a brother sins against you,
GO.”
Most of us, SIT.
We sit and fume and agonize and get angrier and angrier.
If anything, we wait for
the other person to come to us and apologize.
Yep – that’s going to be
a long wait.
One of the problems with
conflicts is that no one takes that first step – and Jesus tells us – GO. Take that first step.
There
comes a time when we have to accept the fact that we have no right to nurse our
grudges, whine about our wounds, and resist efforts at healing.
We are
to take the first step - to risk the engagement that can lead to a restored
relationship.
And that first step leads
us to a one on one, private conversation with the person with whom we are in
conflict.
Radical thinking – because many of us talk about our conflict with
everyone EXCEPT the person with whom we are in conflict.
In the Old Testament, Absalom had heard that his half-brother
Amnon had abused his sister Tamar.
Absalom did not go directly to Amnon to confront him personally in a
private conversation. Instead, he
deceitfully arranged for Amnon’s murder two years later and fled after the deed
had been done (2 Samuel 13).
That is an extreme example. But many times, we, like Absalom, do not go
directly to the person we have a conflict with.
Instead, we go to others and undermine, gossip, about that person. We do things to destroy the reputation or to
hurt the life of the other person.
If a wife has a problem with her
husband, does she go directly to the husband, or to her sister?
If two co-workers have problems with
one another, do they talk together, or does one go to the boss to complain?
But Jesus says, go straight to the
person with whom you have a problem.
If you have a problem with your wife,
don’t go to your children and tell them.
Go to your wife.
If you have a problem with your neighbor,
don’t go to the gang at the water cooler at work, go to your neighbor.
If you have a problem with your
co-worker or classmate, don’t post it on Facebook, go to the co-worker or
classmate.
Unless it is a matter of abuse in
which you need to go to the police, your conflict will be best handled if you
go directly to the person with whom you have the conflict.
And the sooner the better.
Don’t put off the conflict for weeks or months in the hopes that
it will go away. It won’t. It will only get worse as the anger and bitterness
takes root in your soul. Remember what Jesus said about leaving your gift at
the altar. The reason it is so urgent to the Lord is because of the damage it
can create if gone untreated. If we had a broken leg, wouldn’t we want the
injury repaired as soon as possible?
And when you have that private conversation, do it in person, face
to face.
Jesus said, “GO and SHOW him his fault.” No e-mail. No phone call.
No letter or note. Anything less than a face to face conversation places a
barrier between the people involved.
Only by going face to
face can you really listen to one another and hear one another. After all, the point is not to fight, win, or prove someone wrong. The point
is to restore trust and harmony.
Jesus continues in this text by offering some other steps to
conflict management – involving witnesses and mediators and going to the church
for help. But the first step is that one
on one, face to face approach.
But ---
What if none of this guidance from Jesus helps resolve the
conflict?
Sadly, some conflicts will not be resolved.
Ever.
Sometimes there is too much human sinfulness, too much human pride
and stubbornness and frailty for us to resolve our differences.
It is at this point that
Jesus says something that many commentators feel is unchristlike.
Jesus said to treat them as a pagan or tax collector. Does that
mean treat them like scoundrels? Does it mean to disrespect them? No. Jesus
loved pagans and tax collectors. When other people would have nothing to do
with tax collectors, Jesus dined with them and enjoyed their company. He did not accept their misconduct, but he
accepted them as people.
Could it be that this verse is not to meant to be permission for
us to reject the person, but to accept the person.
I say that because this whole business of conflict management in
Matthew’s Gospel flows right into this perfectly timed question from Peter.
Right after teaching his
disciples about how to handle conflict, Peter asked Jesus about forgiving
others. He wants to know how many times
he has to forgive someone. Peter thinks
he’s being generous by suggesting a high number. “Jesus,” says Peter, “How many times do I
have to forgive my brother? As many as
seven times?”
And Jesus says, “Oh no –
let’s make it seventy-seven.” That’s not
a literal number – but Jesus is saying, let’s forgive people so many times you
keep track.
You see, when you get to
the point that you can’t resolve the conflict, and you even get to the point at
which you have to break off the relationship, forgiveness is all that is
left. The relationship may never be
healed. Your friendship may be gone
forever. And all that is left that you
can possibly do is to forgive and walk away.
The forgiveness is not
just for the benefit of the person who lied about you, accused you, gossiped
about you, tried to destroy your career, who hurt you – it is for your benefit,
for your sanity, for your freedom so that you can get on with life.
Copyright Maynard Pittendreigh, 2014
All Rights Reserved
